Ghost and Shadow

Play 2011

2012-01-15T22:30:00.001-08:00

I logged 319 board game plays (including some expansions) and 78 story game plays in 2011, by far the most in both categories since I began keeping track. In retrospect, what's most remarkable to me about those numbers isn't just how much I played this year, but how easy it was to play that much. I talk a lot about how, at its best, the story game or indie RPG scene or whatever you'd like to call it synthesizes the two formative cultural experiences of my adolescence: Dungeons & Dragons and the DIY punk scene. Both story games and punk place an emphasis on decentralizing creativity; both are relatively small, in terms of population; both can create moments of spontaneous intimacy and understanding between their participants; and as a result, both tend to foster much stronger connections between those participants than one might expect. The last twelve months have really borne out last idea, and really crystallized how much I think of my fellow players as one of my communities, and of many of them as good friends. As a result, I feel like I'm all the closer to an ideal of mine: that play and creativity, rather than being a discrete activity, separate from one's "real" world, would instead be a passion woven into the fabric of everyday life.

Anyway, a few specific highlights from the past twelve months:

Fabricated Realities
I made it to five different play-focused weekends this year (the others were Gamestorm, NemoCon, GoPlay NW, and CozyCon), as well as hosting a game day to play this year's Diana Jones Award nominees, and I had a wonderful time at all of them, but Fabricated Realities was something unique. Somehow, Grace, Jackson, and Ross managed to blend the low-key, friendly feeling of a house con with the open quality of a more traditional convention - not to mention a remarkable physical environment - and the results were amazing.

Netrunner
My CCG experience is practically nil - I hadn't even touched a Magic deck until late 2010 - so Netrunner was a revelation. A lot of that, though, has to do with the specifics of this design: the asymmetrical roles, the bluffing and feinting, the almost unbearable tension of having a vulnerable agenda. I'm grateful as hell to Matthew for inviting me to his closed-environment league, since I'm not sure when I would've otherwise played, and it's currently one of my favorite games.

Microscope
I realized recently that there are two distinct pleasures that I get from roleplaying. One is during those elusive moments when all of the players are in sync, when there's a magical feeling of shared discovery, when play is so intuitive and natural that you're almost not conscious of it anymore. But what I've come to understand is that there's a second pleasure that's equally rewarding, and that's taking another player's wholly unexpected contribution, something you never would have anticipated, and rolling with it, forming something completely new. Microscope excels at creating those moments.

My Daughter, the Queen of France
There's so much that this game does right: the way the fiction created by the players parallels the dynamics at the table; the way it gracefully allows for the false starts and time to warm up that might cause another game to stumble; the way it gradually folds in layers of complexity and emotional engagement. It's a jewel of a design that's never failed to be less than completely rewarding, and like I told Tori after playing two sessions of it, one right after the other: "I wouldn't play this game at a meetup night with strangers... because if they broke this game for me, I think I would cry."

Film 2011

2012-01-15T22:30:00.000-08:00

I might have seen fewer films in 2011 than in any year in recent memory, and so assembling this list was a little trickier than I'd anticipated. That says more, I suspect, about how I've been spending my time lately than about the quality of this year's releases. There's always no shortage of films I regret having missed by the end of December, but it's a particularly long list this time around: Margin Call, A Separation, Meek's Cutoff, Super, The Tree of Life, Certified Copy, Melancholia, The Skin I Live In, and The Future, with many others no doubt having slipped my mind.

Before I start, the rule I set for myself was this: the films below had to be released straight to video, video on demand, or theatrically in Portland in 2011, which is why a couple of 2010 films with delayed releases ended up making the list. Anyway, here it is:

10. Mission: Impossible - Ghost Protocol

09. Source Code

08. Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy

07. Somewhere

06. Win Win

05. Martha Marcy May Marlene

04. Bridesmaids

03. Blue Valentine

02. Drive

01. Hanna

New Year's Day 2012

2012-01-01T00:05:00.000-08:00

Happy new year to all.

Autumn Equinox 2011

2011-09-23T23:03:00.000-07:00

Summer Solstice 2011

2011-06-21T23:47:00.001-07:00

The first day of summer! I promise that I haven't forgotten this project. Free time has been rare, of course, but I intend to write soon.

Birthday

2011-06-03T18:46:00.000-07:00

Today I am thirty-one years old.

Music: Bread & Circuits at the Goleta Fest, 1998

2011-05-02T21:04:00.001-07:00

Perhaps we can consider this an extremely late addendum to the note I posted years ago about the Bread & Circuits set at the Goleta Fest in 1998, eh? A while back, I finally scanned some photos that had been sitting in an old shoebox for years, including these shots of Chuck and Mike, and I thought other folks might be interested in seeing them as well. Perhaps I'll post some of the other stuff I found soon. In the meantime, enjoy, and here's a link to "Letter From Chase," from their record on Ebullition: "There are questions, simple questions / they do not want you to ask / should you choose not to choose / the least resistant path..."

May Day 2011

2011-05-01T22:33:00.000-07:00

Happy May Day! The last four months have moved with unsettling speed. I know that you've heard this before, but I really am resolved to post with more frequency. For now, a scene from Rude Boy, one that made a big impression on me when I was younger: "I've just thought about it a lot, and I just think there's nothing... there's nothing there. You can get all the Rolls Royces, all the dough, all the country houses, all the servants you want, and I just think there's nothing at the end of that road, no human life or nothing, and that's why I just don't want to go that way. That's why I think that it's all of us or none."

New Year's Day 2011

2011-01-01T23:55:00.000-08:00

Happy new year to all. One of my resolutions for this year is to post here with much greater frequency - my tentative plan is to have something new up at least every two weeks. Right now I'm planning on Play and Film posts for 2010, and will hopefully have them finished within a few days.

For now, a bit about a pair of films that were not released in 2010. When I was in high school, I very much enjoyed Richard Linklater's Before Sunrise, which I remembered having watched at least half a dozen times. At some point in the intervening years, however, and without having seen it again, I found myself having turned against the film - I mean, a movie consisting entirely of Ethan Hawke and Julie Delpy walking around Vienna, deep in philosophical conversation? How could that fail to be anything but insufferably pretentious?

Well, I read A Scanner Darkly this past autumn, and before watching Linklater's film, I decided to revisit Before Sunrise. As much as I had wanted to confirm my tenuous dislike for it, I couldn't help but fall under its spell almost immediately. Both performances are so warm and unforced, and it has all the quiet charm that I remember from so long ago. Another part of my fondness, of course, is nostalgia - Hawke and Delpy's characters were almost like old friends that I was revisiting, a fact that was only underscored when I watched the sequel, Before Sunset, a few days later. I love that Before Sunset is set nine years later, and filmed in real time, only strengthening the feeling that Jesse and Celine are real people, or could be people you know, or could be you - growing and changing with time, but still in some ways very much the same.

Anyway, I spent a few days with the two movies in my head, mulling them over, rewatching certain scenes - and singing Kath Bloom's "Come Here" to myself, which is prominently featured in the first film. Here it is:

Heart of Autumn 2010

2010-11-05T00:01:00.000-07:00

Naturally, I hadn't intended to let this project sit dormant for so long, but life remains busy and it's been all too easy to let the weeks slip past. Not that I'm complaining - all things considered, things have been pretty good lately. Hopefully, though, I'll also be able to find the time and energy to post a little more often.

Superchunk played at the Wonder Ballroom a few weeks ago, a venue I hadn't been to since maybe 2002, back when it was still Disjecta. I've never paid the slightest attention to Superchunk - I think I'd always been repelled by having them described to me as "college rock," which only barely ranks above "emo" as one of my least-favorite musical descriptors. After hearing their newest record, Majesty Shredding, though, I really started to regret having ignored them for so long. It's an excellent album, and I've been listening to it almost every day since it came out. That said, perhaps it's for the best that I'm only hearing them now. One of the things that I like a lot about Majesty Shredding is that it's a passionate, high-energy record made by four people in their forties, and the joy of it is tempered (and strengthened) by age and experience. I don't know if I would feel the same way about it if it had been made by a younger band.

Anyway, enough of that. I wish that Superchunk had been able to play an all-ages show - and I missed their in-store performance at Jackpot earlier in the day - but I'm still glad that I went. They were just as enthusiastic and exhilarating in person, and it was clear how excited everyone was to see them. I'll happily see them play again... though I realize that probably won't be for another ten years.

Here's some footage that someone shot of "Slack Motherfucker," their last song of the night:

Autumn Equinox & Birthday of Bilbo and Frodo, 2010

2010-09-22T23:30:00.000-07:00

As is our tradition, we celebrated the beginning of autumn and the birthday of Bilbo and Frodo with a little feast. Sadly, my planning left a bit to be desired, and our meal was both a little rushed and very late. Still, everyone seemed to enjoy themselves, and I very much appreciate their joining us during one of my favorite holidays.

I have to admit, I'm more than ready to welcome the change of season. Fall is the time of year to which I feel most suited, and I 'm looking forward to many cold days spent indoors with the company of friends, family, and a good book.

GPNW 2010: The Believers

2010-07-05T19:35:00.000-07:00

I mentioned in my quick rundown of Go Play NW 2010 that I was able to play Chris Bennett's "role-playing poem" The Believers, which I'd been curious about for quite a while. I had a terrific experience with it, and really like the idea of using similar short-form exercises to warm up before a longer play session. Something else that I wanted to share, though, was an artifact I ended up with when we were finished. In the 'Contact' phase of the game, the players are given the following instruction:

"While the first player is describing their belief, the other players should each be taking notes, writing down single words or phrases they hear that are evocative to them. For example, you might write down 'spinning lights' or 'scared out of my wits.'"

I'm finally getting around to putting away some of the stuff I brought back from Seattle, and amongst the various character sheets, fliers, and other ephemera in my bag of games, I discovered that I still had my Believers notes:

Susan

still alive, thirteen
lipstick smeared across my face
I shouldn't have let Mark...
went out to the ravine
I jumped
I felt so free

Kingston

Weekly World News
you drink three beers
when it ended, I didn't know what to do
who's going to hire a man with Batboy on his resume?
I was driving
my car was upside down
there's no way you can drive your entire car up into a tree

Darin

reoccurring dreams
people over my bed
one time I woke up
the person in my dream
the foot of my bed
it was calming
the dreams went away
just last week they started coming back

4th July 2010: "They should never touch the ground"

2010-07-04T21:47:00.000-07:00

Here's some footage of one of my favorite Fugazi songs, "Facet Squared," at a 1993 show in Nashville. "We draw lines and stand behind them. That's why flags are such ugly things." Happy birthday, America.

Interruption IV

2010-07-01T23:28:00.000-07:00

I just finished Free Play by Stephen Nachmanovitch this morning:

"I remember a feeling that caught me as I hung up the telephone once, a kind of sadness. I realized that my inner knowing had told me to say something, and I did not pay attention. I thought, with regret, back to other times when I had heard that voice and ignored it. The simplest yet most elusive lesson in life is learning to listen to that guiding voice."

Summer Solstice 2010 & Thoughts on Go Play NW 2010

2010-06-21T22:56:00.000-07:00

Happy solstice! I ended my spring on a high note, with my first Go Play NW, an event I've been looking forward to for months. My friends who've attended in previous years have been universally enthusiastic about their experiences, and I'm happy to say that I had an equally good time. I met a lot of new people, all of whom were friendly and welcoming, I had a very good time in every session I played, and it was a pleasure to be up in Seattle for the first time in almost a year. I had only two regrets: one, that I couldn't muster a little more energy for the games that I played on Sunday, and two, that I didn't have the time to eat at Plum Bistro or any of the other wonderful-looking places I'd been planning to visit. Oh, well - there's always next year.

Anyway, I'm hoping to post a little more about the weekend over the next few days, but for now, a quick rundown of everything I was able to play:

Two games of Fiasco, using the "Boomtown" and "Tales From Suburbia" playsets.

My first game of Lacuna, with almost no prior knowledge of the game, which now seems like the ideal way to come to it.

A nice long session of Apocalypse World.

A pickup game of Lady Blackbird, easily my favorite of the three times I've played it.

A handful of short-form games, including The Believers, which I've been wanting to play for quite a while, and really enjoyed.

Several pickup games of Dominion.

All in all, it was a really terrific weekend. Many thanks to all the friendly folks I met, everyone that I played with, and especially to the Hugo House and all the GPNW organizers for putting together such an amazing event.

Birthday

2010-06-03T23:45:00.000-07:00

Today I am thirty years old.

Play: Gamestorm 2010

2010-04-12T23:55:00.000-07:00

I spent the last weekend in March across the river for Gamestorm 12. This was the third time that I've attended, and also the most rewarding. In previous years, it was easy to feel a little adrift - I didn't know anyone else at the con or register ahead of time, and as a result, I spent a lot of time looking for pickup boardgames or sitting in on panels. That was a lot of fun when I came upon something I was interested in, of course, but it also translated into a great deal of downtime and aimlessness. This year, I made much more of an effort to plan out my weekend and register for games ahead of time, and I also knew a few more folks in attendance, which made a big difference.

I wasn't sure what time I'd be getting in on Friday night, so I'd planned on playing things by ear. After saying hello to a few friends and playing a couple games of Roll Through the Ages, I joined a group in the boardgames area for the rest of the evening, where I was able to learn Amun-Re and Notre Dame. Both were titles I'd been curious about for a while, so I was happy to finally try them out.

Unfortunately, Saturday morning's game of Tulip Society was canceled, and so I found myself wandering around for a while before that evening's Burning Empires session, the "Fires Over Omac" scenario. I was playing with a couple of folks I'd played with before, and I had a lot of fun, but I can see how it really requires multiple sessions to make a fair assessment of BE. So much of what I like about the Burning Wheel system in general and Burning Empires in particular - things like the scene economy, maneuvers, and Firefight mechanics - are things that benefit from the kind of investment that it would be hard to create in a one-shot or convention game. I'd anticipated that might be the case, though, and really enjoyed seeing that stuff in action, even if it might not have been under the best of circumstances.

After we finished, Michael P. drafted Hans and I into trying out Fuck Youth, from the Norwegian Style anthology. I own the book, but I've never had a chance to play anything from it. It was definitely a change of gears after our Burning Empires game; the three of us sat on the floor in a quiet corner of the room, which seemed like an appropriate setting for what turned out to be a quiet game. I don't say that disparagingly - both mechanically and tonally, Fuck Youth is almost ethereal, drawing mostly on the players' memories and cues provided by the scene cards. After a long day, it felt really good to dive into an unfettered storytelling experience. I'm really happy that I was able to play this, and next year, I'd like to end every night with with something similar.

On Sunday morning, I joined an Apocalypse World game that Vincent Baker was running, which was a treat. It was just a taste - I think we only played a little over two hours, including character generation - but I had a wonderful time. Joel, who also played, posted a bit about his experience on his weblog. AW had kind of flown under my radar, despite how much playtesters posting online seem to be enjoying it. I mean, I was sure I would like it, but now that I've actually played, I'm really excited about it. A group of us have been talking about getting a regular game together, which I'd be thrilled about, but we haven't played a second session yet, so things are still at the fingers-crossed stage.

After a couple games of Lost Cities, Michael R. and I finished out our weekend with an AXE COP-themed Danger Patrol hack that Brendan had put together. You can see this AP report for all the details, but suffice to say that we were laughing pretty much nonstop from beginning to end. As Brendan points out, the pleasure of playing a fusion of DP and Axe Cop is in how quickly the players find themselves surrendering to unfettered, uninhibited imaginative play, without even realizing it's happening. It was terrific.

All in all, it was a great weekend. There were plenty of games that I was sorry to have missed - among them Heart of Ashes, Spectre of the Beast, "Where Are Your Keys?" and especially the convention finale Sea Dracula game, which you can see below - but I came home exhausted and happy, just as I'd hoped I would.

Music: Hive Dwellers, Ted Leo & The Pharmacists 21.03.10

2010-03-29T00:14:00.000-07:00

Almost all of the shows at the Doug Fir are over-21 affairs, and as a result I'd never been there. An exception was apparently made for Ted Leo's second show of the weekend, however, an all-ages Sunday matinee. It was funny, though - as soon as I went downstairs, I couldn't shake a pretty intense feeling of deja vu. It took me a few minutes to puzzle it out, but then I realized that I had been there before, in a way. Back in 1999, I saw Tragedy play in that same room, but the building at the time was a Chinese restaurant, and the hotel was also under different ownership. It's funny how things change.

Anyway, The Pharmacists were great. This was probably the best I've ever seen them; the James Canty/Chris Wilson/Marty Violence lineup is easily my favorite, and everyone seemed to really be enjoying themselves. I think I heard everything that I'd been hoping to hear - especially "Bottled Up in Cork," "Me and Mia," and "Under the Hedge" - plus a pretty entertaining karaoke version of "Since U Been Gone," a song that I'm afraid I'm not really familiar with. They played for a little over an hour, which I think is just about the perfect time. I'd see them again in a second, so hopefully they'll return sometime soon.

Here's a clip of "The Mighty Sparrow," from the new record:

Music: Paul & Storm, Molly Lewis, Jonathan Coulton 27.02.10

2010-03-07T21:40:00.000-08:00

Cara and Joanna and I went down to the Aladdin last weekend to see Jonathan Coulton play with Molly Lewis and Paul & Storm. It's a curious thing, seeing music in a setting like that: a large crowd, advance tickets, long sets, sitting down for the entire show. I'm certainly not used to that kind of experience, but I really enjoyed myself. Everyone that played seemed to be in good spirits, and the interplay between the folks onstage and the folks in the crowd - and the lighting technician - really added a lot to the whole night. Part of me thinks it's kind of a shame that Coulton's music is known almost exclusively for its humorous quality; there's no denying that a great deal of its appeal comes from being funny, but I think it's the sadness underlying songs like "Future Soon" and "Shop Vac" that really sets them apart. Anyway, the whole show has actually been uploaded, so you can see it for yourself; here's "Betty and Me," Coulton's opening song:

Music: Leeni, Spamtron, Trash80 03.02.2010

2010-02-07T07:58:00.000-08:00

A few nights ago, I went down to Ground Kontrol to see Leeni, Spamtron, and Trash80. It was a new experience for me; I don't really know the first thing about chipmusic, but I stumbled across some of Trash80's material a while ago, and I think it's pretty terrific. Apparently, the folks that are behind this show, 2 Player Productions, are going to be doing more events on a regular basis. As much as I enjoyed the music, though, I don't know how often I'll be attending - the shows at Ground Kontrol seem to be strictly over-21 affairs, which is a fucking drag. Anyway, this is Trash80's "Missing You," the song that first caught my attention:

Film 2009

2010-02-01T23:59:00.000-08:00

First of all, a few caveats. Since Elias has been born, I haven't seen nearly as many movies as I used to - at one point, I think I was easily seeing something in the theater at least once a week, but now I frequently miss films entirely, or only see them on video years after the fact. Despite having spent the last month trying to catch up on 2009 films, I can still think of quite a few that I still haven't seen, including The Hurt Locker, A Serious Man, Thirst, Inglorious Basterds, Drag Me to Hell, Observe and Report, Rudo y Cursi, Public Enemies, Cold Souls, and The Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus. Also, I don't doubt that there's a film or two out there that's flown completely under my radar, and I'll only realize how great it is years from now. Such is life. That said, here's my top ten for 2009, with three-line reviews:

10. The Road
While it proved to be something of a disappointment, it's hard for me to imagine a better way to film the book. After seeing The Proposition, I was pretty optimistic about John Hillcoat as a director, and I stand by that - he has a gift for the unrelentingly sorrowful and grim.

09. Duplicity
I'm a sucker for Tony Gilroy's contemporary take on political dramas like The Candidate, and Duplicity has a delicious black humor, much of it stemming from the vendetta between Paul Giamatti and Tom Wilkinson's cosmetics magnates.

08. Paranormal Activity
While it's not for everyone - more than a few folks I know didn't care for it at all - I thought Paranormal Activity was terrifying. It succeeds mostly on the strength of ratcheting up its tension so deliberately, and by leaving so much to the imagination.

07. Coraline
This is the film that sold me on the new 3D technology. Seeing Laika's handcrafted work presented so vividly was a real treat, and the film itself was a shadowy and frightening and wondrous fairy tale.

06. Up in the Air
I hated Thank You for Smoking and liked Juno in spite of how proud of itself it clearly was, so I wasn't sure what I'd think of Up in the Air. I shouldn't have worried; it's easily Jason Reitman's best - and warmest - film, with terrific performances from everyone involved.

05. District 9
The first third of District 9 is easily the strongest part of the film, but don't let that dissuade you from watching it to the end. It's an overtly allegorical summer action movie, and strikingly, the first film I've ever seen that's clearly been influenced by the vocabulary of electronic games.

04. Fantastic Mr. Fox
While the animation in Fantastic Mr. Fox isn't as polished as that in Coraline, that somehow lends itself well to the film as a whole, with Wes Anderson's characteristic melancholy humor and familial strife. And three Beach Boys songs!

03. Ponyo
While I like all of Miyazaki's work, I have a particular soft spot for his films about younger children, like My Neighbor Totoro and Kiki's Delivery Service. Ponyo is in the same vein, with a warmth and amiability that's a complete delight.

02. Moon
I still think Moon is best seen with as few preconceptions or expectations as possible, so let me just quote from my original post about it: "it's a rough-hewn, evocative , unassuming, atmospheric piece of science fiction, and I recommend it unconditionally."

01. Up
What to say? Along with Toy Story 2 and Ratatouille, one of Pixar's most human films. I didn't realize it beforehand, but the script was by Tom McCarthy, who can do no wrong in my book. In retrospect, it makes perfect sense.

Play 2009

2010-02-01T23:50:00.000-08:00

Board Games

I recorded 202 plays in 2009, a significant increase over the 108 I had in 2008. A lot of that was due to a conscious effort I'm making to play more often, but the bulk of my play lately has also been with very short games, many taking less than half an hour to finish. Finally, Elias is old enough now that we've started to play together this year, and as you might imagine, it's a development that I'm absolutely delighted with. Anyway, here are my five and dimes for the year:

Bananagrams (35 plays)
Far and away the game that ended up with the most plays, but that comes as little surprise: most of these have only run about five minutes, and it's an accessible game with pretty broad appeal - I like being able to play pretty much anywhere, and with friends and family members that might not care even for lighter designer games. Also, I logged all of these plays since the beginning of November, when Joanna and Katrina introduced it to me on a family vacation. If Bananagrams proves to have some longevity, I could be discussing a substantially higher playcount at this time next year!

Once Upon a Time (21 plays)
Like I mentioned above, Elias and I have started playing games together, and this is the one that's seen the most table time so far. Personally, I think of it as more of a story game than a conventional board or card game, but I love it. The fairy tale theme and collaborative storytelling mechanics, of course, are both things that I'm quite fond of, and the fact that Elias enjoys playing so much tickles me to no end.

Dominion (15 plays)
I know that I don't have nearly as many plays as some folks, and I doubt there's anything I could say about Dominion that hasn't already been said, but man, what a terrific game. I received my copy at the end of 2008, and while I've enjoyed it from the beginning, seeing the various cards in action has only deepened my appreciation for it. Probably my favorite game right now - I'm more or less always down for playing.

Coloretto (14 plays)
Another game that plays in a matter of minutes, and that I've been able to successfully introduce to a variety of folks. We've played it a lot as a filler, or while waiting for other folks to show up. As a result of liking this so much, I picked up a copy of Zooloretto, but it hasn't hit the table yet.

Pandemic (14 plays)
The folks that I play with are pretty fond of cooperative games - when I first started getting into designer games, we were playing Shadows Over Camelot pretty much every time we got together, and right now I'm in a group that's getting together for monthly games of Battlestar Galactica. Pandemic, though, is probably my favorite cooperative design at the moment - it's tight enough that even when we lose, it feels like just one more turn would have been enough to win, and it plays quickly enough that I'm always willing to get in two or three games if other people are up for it.

Adventures in Oz (6 plays)
Cara and I have read perhaps half a dozen of L. Frank Baum's Oz books to Elias, so he was pretty excited when we found a copy of this game. I'm afraid I don't have much to say about it; it's a pretty simple roll-and-move kids game, but Elias really enjoyed it, and I was happy to play.

The Kids of Catan (5 plays)
A birthday gift for Elias, though I'm afraid he hasn't taken to it as much I'd hoped. Then again, it's not a terribly interactive game, either - everything is pretty much predetermined by die rolls, so there isn't much in the way of interesting decision-making. It is gorgeous, though.

Memoir '44 (5 plays)
I actually don't remember playing very much Memoir this year, but apparently I did. Anyway, it's an enjoyable diversion, but I've never quite been able to get into it as much as some people. Perhaps that would change if I played with a bit more frequency...

Mystery Garden (5 plays)
Another game that I've played exclusively with Elias, Mystery Garden is more or less a dressed-up version of Twenty Questions, but I have a soft spot for Ravensburger games, having played them a bit when I was a kid.

Finally, a few other games of note: The monthly Battlestar Galactica game that I mentioned above has been a pleasure - it's been great to have a regular group with which to play a long game consistently, and to really grow familiar with the game. The Fury of Dracula game I played last fall was an unexpected joy. And Conflict of Heroes is a light wargame that I'm excited to play more of in 2010.

Roleplaying Games

While I loved RPGs as a kid, and I've been playing in off-again, on-again games of D&D since 2004, 2009 was the year that I really started roleplaying again in earnest. A big part of this stemmed from sitting in on some of the panels at Gamestorm and really starting to think about the kind of play I want from my roleplaying. In turn, that led to diving into all of the terrific new small press games that have come out in the last few years, and meeting a few local folks through GoPlayPDX that have been really helpful as I began to test these new waters. I haven't been able to get in much of the longer, multiple-session games that I'm looking for yet, but I've done a lot of reading that's really changed the way I think about my play. More importantly, I've been able to try out a raft of games that have shown me those innovations in action - especially Dogs in the Vineyard, Dust Devils, Lady Blackbird, Mouse Guard, and PTA - and I'm looking forward to playing even more this year.

New Year's Day 2010

2010-01-01T08:47:00.000-08:00

A happy new year to all that stumble across this message. It's been a while since I've posted anything here, as life has been especially busy as of late, but I hope that with the new year I can return to this project with renewed vigor.

Also, since I've been in a reflective mood and this song has been on my mind quite a bit lately, and because Mr. Chesnutt just left our world, I'd like to share a little music:

Secret World I

2009-11-20T21:10:00.001-08:00

Interruption III

2009-11-15T08:40:00.000-08:00

Right now, I'm reading Primo Levi's If Not Now, When? I still have several chapters to go, but there's once again a passage I wanted to share:

"...On the contrary, they were lighthearted: in the partisanka adventure, different every day, in the frozen steppe, in snow and mud, they had found a new freedom, unknown to their fathers and grandfathers, a contact with friends and enemies, with nature and with action, which intoxicated them like the wine of Purim, when it's the custom to abandon usual sobriety and drink until you can't tell a blessing from a curse. They were lighthearted and fierce, like animals whose cage has been opened, like slaves who have risen up in vengeance."

Good Sunday

2009-10-31T08:00:00.000-07:00

Last weekend, we made our annual visit to Wenzel Farm, and then came home to relax for the rest of the day. Cara made banana bread, and at Elias's request, we watched some old episodes of The Twilight Zone: 'Walking Distance,' 'Time Enough at Last,' 'Third From the Sun,' and 'To Serve Man.' Needless to say, it was a wonderful afternoon.

Speaking of Elias... I've carefully concealed the existence of the Star Wars prequels from him for the entirety of his young life, but on the way home the other day he said the words I've been dreading for so long. "Dad," he asked, "did you know that there are other Star Wars movies that we haven't seen? There's a queen, and Anakin Luke Skywalker..."

Cruel & Unusual Meal Plans I

2009-10-13T23:38:00.000-07:00

More news from Htrae: Jawbox will commemorate the Dischord reissue of their fifteen-year-old major label debut with a reunion appearance on a late-night talk show.

Interruption II

2009-10-11T00:52:00.000-07:00

On Friday I finished John Berger's Hold Everything Dear. A particularly resonant passage:

"On the one side: every armament conceivable, the dream of no-body-bag wars, the media, plenty, hygiene, many passwords to glamour. On the other: stones, short supplies, feuds, the violence of revenge, rampant illness, an acceptance of death and an ongoing preoccupation with surviving one more night - or perhaps one more week - together.

"The choice of meaning in the world today is here between the two sides of the wall. The wall is also inside each one of us. Whatever our circumstances, we can choose within ourselves which side of the wall we are attuned to. It is not a wall between good and evil. Both exist on both sides. The choice is between self-respect and self-chaos."

Autumn Equinox & Birthday of Bilbo and Frodo

2009-09-22T18:08:00.000-07:00

"Then the weather clouded over. That was on Wednesday the eve of the Party. Anxiety was intense. Then Thursday, September the 22nd, actually dawned. The sun got up, the clouds vanished, flags were unfurled and the fun began."

Last Day of Summer 2009

2009-09-21T22:10:00.000-07:00

As is our tradition, we celebrated the change of seasons, as well as the birthday of Bilbo and Frodo, with a potluck dinner. Yesterday Patrick, Michael, Molly, and Nate joined us, and after a delightful meal and a delicious dessert, we played a little Rock Band, and then a game of Funny Friends. I have to say, while I might prefer Friese's Power Grid on a purely mechanical level, there's distinct charm to the little narratives one constructs while playing Funny Friends.

It's been easy to let this project fall into neglect, but I'm hoping to break that habit. There are many dreams in my life in various states of realization, but none of them are even close to what I want them to be. I'm ready, though, to make a true effort. Here's to the coming of autumn.

RIP Mike Seeger

2009-08-08T22:00:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry to hear that Mike Seeger of The New Lost City Ramblers died last night. I know that I'm not alone in having gotten a lot of pleasure out of his music, and my condolences go out to his friends and family.

Thoughts on Moon

2009-08-01T08:32:00.001-07:00

Actually, I don't want to say too much. I eagerly anticipate new films, keeping an eye out for trailers and reading up on reports from film festivals and shit, so it's rare that I see something without bringing any preconceived notions with me. I managed to do so with Moon, however, knowing only the broadest details of the premise, and it proved to be quite rewarding. So let me say only this: it's a rough-hewn, evocative, unassuming, atmospheric piece of science fiction, and I recommend it unconditionally.

Omnivores

2009-07-05T19:02:00.000-07:00

I picked up a copy of Will Hindmarch and Jeff Tidball's Things We Think About Games a while ago, and have been wanting to mention Thing 051 in particular, which concerns itself with "omnivores," folks that play a variety of different kinds of games - boardgames, card games, electronic games, RPGs, etc. Here's a quote:

"But not only are there fewer omnivores than their enthusiasm might suggest, many self-identified omnivores are lying to themselves. No matter how much you might like to think of yourself as a roleplayer, if you haven't picked up an RPG book, much less sat down to roleplay, since college a decade ago, it's a bit of a stretch."

No doubt that's very true for many folks, but might I suggest that aside from "true" omnivores and the woefully self-deceived, there might also be a third class of player, one with which I unabashedly identify: those who consider themselves platform-agnostic to a large degree, but are also aware of how their tastes frequently ebb and flow. Cara has pointed out before how I tend to be serially fixated on different forms of play, sometimes engrossed in Far Cry 2, other times preoccupied by indie RPGs. A year ago, I was playing boardgames as often as possible, electronic games when I could, and RPGs almost not at all. Lately, those priorities have shifted - I've been reading plenty of RPGs, playing them as often as possible, playing boardgames when I can, and barely playing electronic games at all. Maybe a year from now I'll have a new computer, or the folks that I roleplay with will be too busy to get together. I don't think I'm alone in this, either - it seems like many of us, especially those of without a lot of free time, shift our attention with the seasons, changes of circumstance, or the appearance of new and intriguing games. Isn't that true?

Birthday

2009-06-03T07:38:00.000-07:00

Today I am twenty-nine years old.

May Day 2009

2009-05-01T09:19:00.000-07:00

Happy holiday to all.

Interruption I

2009-04-13T15:04:00.000-07:00

I've just finished reading War is a Force That Gives Us Meaning by Chris Hedges. One passage in particular has held my attention:

"We are tempted to reduce life to a simple search for happiness. Happiness, however, withers if there is no meaning. The other temptation is to disavow the search for happiness in order to be faithful to that which provides meaning. But to live only for meaning - indifferent to all happiness - makes us fanatic, self-righteous, and cold. It cuts us off from our own humanity and the humanity of others. We must hope for grace, for our lives to be sustained by moments of meaning and happiness, both equally worthy of human communion."

Spring Equinox & Portland NRD

2009-03-20T22:02:00.000-07:00

Once again, there's been a long silence since my last entry. Naturally, I hadn't intended to go quite so long without putting anything up, but free time is always scarce and it's been easy to let this project slip further and further into disuse. Today is the first day of spring, though, and I'm hoping that the change of season can also serve as an opportunity to start posting a little more regularly.

Speaking of long-neglected projects, I'm trying to relaunch Portland NRD, the message board I set up several years ago. Like previous incarnations of this weblog, I never really contributed frequently enough to get the board off the ground, but I would still be thrilled to see it do so. I'd envisioned it as a place where my various interests - radical theory and history, speculative and fantastic fiction, punk counterculture, other worlds, and play of all kinds - could coexist and intersect. If that sounds like something you might be interested in, you'd be more than welcome to post.

Resolutions: New Year's Day, 2009

2009-01-01T23:20:00.000-08:00

Another lengthy break from posting - I apologize. Many other things have been occupying my attention, with family and friends visiting, holidays being celebrated, and some unusually snowy weather all providing welcome changes to my days as of late. It's a new year, though, and one of my resolutions is to contribute to this project more regularly and in a more substantial manner.

As someone who looks for a fair amount of significance in shifts of season or year, I'm actually quite fond of the idea of resolutions. I have many this year - to exercise more, eat more healthily, spend less unfocused time on the computer - but chief among them are to play more and to spend more time working on various creative pursuits. In particular, I have several picture book projects that I'd planned to have finished long ago, and I'd be very happy if I finally completed them this year. Here's to hoping...

Video: "Yalla Yalla" by Joe Strummer & the Mescalaros

2008-12-08T21:07:00.000-08:00

Radio silence for a few weeks, I know. Things have been busy, but without much of note to report. Even games have been scarce lately, though there are plans for both boardgames and a Call of Cthulhu session this week, so hopefully that will be changing.

In the meantime, a little music. I've been listening to a lot of old records that I haven't heard in quite a while: Lifetime, Crucifix, the Subhumans, and the first Mescaleros record, from which the following video is taken. If there's anyone in this world that I've never met, yet admired and been inspired by, it's Joe Strummer. I'm sorry as hell to have passed on the chance to see him play on his last couple of tours. At the time, I'd assumed that there would've been something kind of sad about seeing him years after the end of the Clash, but in hindsight it seems like he really came through all that with his spirit intact... "Well so long liberty/ let's forget you didn't show/ not in my time/ but in our sons' and daughters' time..."

Fright Town

2008-10-19T19:41:00.000-07:00

Met Franco, Lindsay, and Tawny at the Rose Quarter last night to go to Fright Town, where a coworker of mine was working makeup and acting in one of the haunted houses. It's been a long time since I've been to a haunted house, but I remembered that my last visit involved walking through, stony-faced, for some reason trying to prove that I wasn't scared. Fuck that shit - if I'm going to a haunted house, I want to jump and shout and have a good time. And I wasn't disappointed. My idea of terror is generally more H.P. Lovecraft than Friday the 13th, but when someone lunged out of a hidden door with a chainsaw, I jumped. Not to mention that there were a couple of unexpected, unsettling moments when the actors would start calling out "Where's Harry...?" or "Come back, Harry..."

Neal Stephenson: September 16th, 2008

2008-10-01T23:31:00.000-07:00

Neal Stephenson was at the Bagdad a couple of weeks ago to promote Anathem, and I met Michael and a friend of his there. It was a good time, though perhaps a little shorter than I'd anticipated. Stephenson read a few short passages from the book, answered questions for about half an hour, and then it was time to queue up for autographs. Having someone's signature on something they've made is a phenomenon I've never really understood, so I'm glad that a little entertainment was offered to those who weren't standing in line: a brief performance by a few gentlemen who helped record the music inspired by Anathem.

Anyway, the Q&A was the meat of the appearance for me, and I wasn't disappointed. Some of the questions left a little to be desired, but Stephenson himself was friendly and interesting. I tried to convince Cara to read The Diamond Age recently, but she didn't care much for its frequently digressive tone. On the other hand, I've really enjoyed that Stephenson's work has always been free to pursue whatever tangents seemed appropriate, and that same breadth of interest was apparent in person.

Incidentally, while answering one question, Stephenson briefly mentioned a lengthier lecture he'd given on the future of SF, which is readily available here.

Signs of Life: Autumn Equinox, 2008

2008-09-22T20:54:00.001-07:00

The first day of autumn, as well as the birthday of Bilbo and Frodo. Earlier incarnations of this project were marked by prolonged periods of inactivity, which were often broken only by the changing seasons. I'm pleased to know that - thus far, at least - this latest attempt has been plagued by such an affliction to a much lesser degree. I still haven't been able to spend the time on posting that I would like to, but have attempted to make brief appearances with relative frequency. A few posts have been incubating over the last few weeks: another session report, a few thoughts on a Neal Stephenson appearance I recently attended, and vague plans for a post on adventure playgrounds. Hopefully they'll all soon see the light of day.

Session Report 1.9.08: Diplomacy

2008-09-14T10:43:00.000-07:00

Patrick, Michael, Mikey, Franco, Tom and I spent the lion's share of our Labor Day playing Michael's copy of Diplomacy. It's only in the last couple of years that I've become really enthusiastic about board games, and so there are quite a few classic games, Diplomacy included, that I've never had a chance to play. Having finished a game, I can easily say that it's an excellent design, and I enjoyed playing it a great deal - though not without a few caveats.

Within the first two or three turns, the game's appeal had become clear. I realize that this is a kind of strange comparison, but the tone of the game almost reminded me of something like Werewolf or Mafia, in that a very light rule set provides the framework for some very rich social interaction. Naturally, that means that the quality of one's game depends even more than usual on the other players. Luckily, we all seemed to be enjoying ourselves a great deal, and more than willing to throw ourselves into the game.

Well, most of us seemed to be enjoying ourselves. Patrick was put into a pretty tough position early on, and eliminated from the game about halfway through. That might not have been much of a problem in a shorter game, but this meant that he spent hours sitting out while the rest of us finished playing. Of course, Diplomacy is from a time when player elimination was par for the course, and Michael later said that usually more than one player will be eliminated, so that at least no one would be killing time alone. Still, even the possibility that a player could be shut out for so long is pretty big shortcoming for me these days.

Mechanically, of course, Diplomacy is the progenitor of a lot of what we enjoyed about A Game of Thrones - particularly in its emphasis on negotiation and its secret and simultaneous issuing of orders. I don't know if it was the lack of other rules, or the formal negotiation phase, or perhaps the significantly longer playtime, but I felt like Diplomacy was a lot more conducive than AGoT in creating those meta-interactions. Our game lasted about six hours, which is a lot longer than I can generally play a single game and about an hour longer than I would've liked, but there's definitely something to be said for seeing one's plans slowly unfold over such a long period.

Overall, I thought Diplomacy was great. It more than deserves its classic status. At the same time, the anachronisms of its design and the fact that it's such a time investment mean that I can't really see playing it all that often. When I do have a chance to play, though, I don't doubt that I'll enjoy it immensely.

Ten-Year Letter

2008-09-01T08:00:00.001-07:00

My ten-year high school reunion was a few weeks ago. I didn't attend, but I have to admit to a little morbid fascination with it. Most of my close friends from back then are actually still my close friends, and I'm in touch with a few other people that I knew, but there are others I think about from time to time... I suppose this is all just another symptom of my preoccupation with the past, and with how we connect with others. I frequently find myself wondering what's become of friends whose lives are no longer in the same place as mine.

On the last day of my senior year, my English teacher had each person in my class write a letter, a letter that would be sent to us in ten years, a chance to talk about where we were coming from and to speculate as to where we would be. A few months ago, I remembered that my letter was coming, but couldn't remember at all what I'd written. It was with a mixture of curiosity and dread that I received it a few days ago.

Surprisingly enough, there's nothing in it that I can really bring myself to be embarrassed about. In some ways, perhaps I've changed quite a bit in the last ten years, but the same things are still important to me. The letter is brief, but the things I was concerned with then are still with me. They're things that I don't think I'll ever entirely feel at peace with. This is how it ends:

"My name is Harry. I'm pretty lazy, but I've got big dreams. I like sad songs and walking in the rain and talking late. I get big dumb crushes and enjoy them for what they are, most of the time. I don't live enough. When I say I love my friends, I mean it. I would rather hug someone than shake their hand. Sometimes I feel incredibly lonely, but everyone does. The thing that frightens me the most is the idea that life means nothing. I want my time to count for something."

4th July 2008: "Forget what assassins have done..."

2008-07-04T07:04:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite songs as of late has been "Allende's Song" by Don Lange. I don't know if Lange himself ever recorded it -- the version we have at home is from Ewan MacColl and Peggy Seeger's Cold Snap. In the video below, you can see it performed by a gentleman named Tony Gibbons earlier this year. "It's a long way from the heartland to Santiago Bay, where the good doctor lies with blood in his eyes and the bullets read U.S. of A." Happy birthday, America.

Archive: Video of Bread & Circuits at the Goleta Fest, 1998

2008-07-01T00:53:00.000-07:00

What to say? This band has been, and remains, the source of a great deal of inspiration for me. While I feel as though 'sincere' is a term that somehow has lost much of its power, in this case it's one that I think applies best. Bread & Circuits were thoughtful and human in a way that set them apart, and I consider myself fortunate to have seen them a handful of times -- including this show. In fact, I can occasionally catch a glimpse of my eighteen-year-old self in the far left corner of this video. Lindsay and I drove down for the festival -- or, more accurately, Lindsay drove while I slept in the passenger seat. We were quite excited by the idea of seeing twenty bands over three days, though now that prospect sounds more daunting than exhilarating. It was also my first time in Goleta, a place that each subsequent visit has increased my dislike for. I've met many wonderful folks who've lived there over the years, but as a college town in southern California, I could never really imagine a happy life there. Anyway, despite the grueling heat, sleeping in the car, and long, long shows, it was a wonderful experience. While much of the music has long since been forgotten, I was also able to see a few bands that I continue to carry with me -- Seein' Red, Former Members of Alfonsin, Suicide Nation, Born & Razed. And many times over the next few years, I would make new friends and later learn that they had also been there, and that shared experience may have proven to be the most valuable
thing I took from that weekend.

Archive: Interview with Brian Zero of Siren (Part Two)

2008-07-01T00:48:00.000-07:00

Obviously, this took much longer to post than I'd originally intended. Finding the time and the inclination to finish transcribing this was harder than I'd thought it would be, but here it is. For those haven't seen the first part of this interview, it was conducted in the summer of 1997, outside Icky's Teahouse in Eugene, OR.

Photo by Joanna.

With the trickle-down effect you mentioned – do you feel that at all justifies bands signing to larger labels?

I don’t feel it justifies it -- in any way, shape, or form -- at all, like if you’re talking about signing to a major label. I wouldn’t feel it justifies it, but I think that… it doesn’t justify from their perspective, but it justifies it from the perspective of the people who care. That’s the only people. So we could sit on the sidelines and go, ‘Well, yeah, it’s screwed up, man. These people used the community thing to get themselves a better position.’ But let’s face it: in the long run, maybe this is going to benefit us. As a stratego thing. Because you know damn well that punk rock, as a music form, is just another pair of jeans to people. But the ideals, in the real scene, that can spread through it, and can do something through it – that’s the key. I mean… these bands that are… on a personal level, for them, it’s hard for me to justify it. It depends a lot, of course, on the bands. See, back in the Eighties, especially, you’d have these bar-rock bands whose only dream in life was to be on a major label. They did not have the punk scene behind them. They had to go from bar to bar, and kill themselves in these places, and not have a place to stay, and not have people to talk to. Not have zines to give them, not have any of that kind of thing. And for those people, you can kind of give some credence to them. No matter how shitty their music is, or their ideals, you can say to yourself, ‘You know what? They have no community anyways. They’re just trying to make money. From the start, that’s all they’ve been about. But the thing with the punk thing is that it’s a community. We have a communal sense to this scene. Especially in the Eighties, we had… it was the kind of thing where a band could go and play a show, and afterwards go stay at someone’s house they didn’t know. Talk to people, make friends. Be treated differently than these bar rock bands. And that’s the thing that’s really being sold out, is the community, because it’s too easy for people. It’s too easy to be, like, ‘Well, I’m gonna be in a punk rock band, because it’s easier than being in just a fucking rock n’ roll band, and not making it. But if we play punk rock music, then we can go out there and use that scene, and get ourselves signed to a major label eventually.’ And I think that’s the attitude that is very pervasive right now. People are just… it’s easier for them use what is there to further their interests. For me, irregardless of what trickle-down effect that’s going to have on the scene as a whole, I find it pretty slimy. I find it a little bit parasitical. I mean, in the long run, most of the people who deal with major labels get screwed anyways, and I guess in that case, that’s probably going to get them in the end. For every Green Day, there’s a hundred Jawbreakers that don’t make it. And they’re not going to make it, I can guarantee it. Green Day, everybody knew they were going to make it, because it was a new thing. One of the guys in Green Day gave me this spiel once after they signed – he got in a big argument with me, it was the drummer. He gave me this big spiel about how they would never use punk rock, they would move beyond that. Of course, it was three months later, they’re on Rolling Stone’s cover, and they all have different-colored hair, and it’s like, ‘pop-punk bonanza!’ or something, and every other sentence in the magazine is like ‘pop-punk’ this, ‘pop-punk’ that. And it’s just, like, of course they had to sell it as pop punk, because they can’t sell it as being just another form of rock n’ roll. It has to have a gimmick attached to it. It’s almost… it’s ludicrous to think that. And in that case, you knew Green Day was going to get big, simply because it was a new gimmick. And Rancid got big for a while because it was a new gimmick, but new gimmicks don’t last that long. I mean, the punk thing might be on MTV for a while to come, it’s certainly true. But as you know, this society, right now especially, it’s going through cultures left and right, and they’re not lasting very long. As far as I know, the straightedge thing is moving into MTV-land right now, and I’ll tell you, that’s not going to last either. They’ve got ways to smash that one in a second. All they have to do is find the straightedge elements in that scene that are more right-wing, that are more ‘support the cops,’ and twist it into something that the people who might even believe in it weren’t even prepared for. They’re dealing with Sony, and they’re dealing with Time Warner. When I hear people say that these institutions are blind to this rebellion creeping up on them – ridiculous. These are institutions that know money. They know things on a large scale. They don’t know things on a small scale, but they know what they’re putting on the television. They certainly do that. They wouldn’t put Rage Against the Machine on TV if they thought it was threat to them. It’s just the way things go.

One of the things that I found disheartening, even tonight, is… a lot of people who come to shows, even small, DIY shows like this, seem to just in it for the music, as kind of an entertainment value. You got it tonight with the kid going, you know, ‘shut up and play,’ and I wonder if you have any perspective on that, any kind of solution you see to that?

Challenging it. I think it’s important to challenge it. I think that when people tell you to shut up and play, you don’t play. You have to engage them in conversation. I think that can be done. If you don’t do it effectively, you’re going to fuck yourself, you’re going to screw yourself over. That’s why you have to be careful, because again, you’re employing stratego. Again, it’s like being in a classroom. If you’re on stage, and you start stuttering, people will laugh you out of there. It’s terrible in the punk scene that it’s like that. But if you’re a teacher in a classroom and you can’t hold your own, they’ll eat you alive. But you can do something. You can do something that plays with their mind, and makes them think. I’m not trying to say you have to brainwash people, I’m saying that you can use that tool, and you can make people think. You can say, “Shut up and play? Is that what you say to somebody when you’re engaging them in a sexual act? Do you say, ‘I don’t want to talk to you’? Is it just screwing someone, or are you actually making love with them?” You know, for me, I believe that when you make love with somebody, or whatever, that you have to know their personality, and the only way you can do that is through communication. I know that sort of shifted into a sexual tone, but… and for what’s worth, I’m just repeating something that I heard Ian MacKaye say once on stage. He said something along those lines, it was a while ago… and I thought that was a constructive use of the tool when he did that. He said, well, you know, ‘Do you say that when you’re having sex with somebody? Do you say shut up and…’ Because it’s important, I think, for people to actually engage in communication. The idea of a tribe or community or whatever relies upon, it thrives upon communication with each other, not just people standing up there and performing like trained… I don’t know, trained circus performers. [laughs] I was going to say circus animals, but… god, I feel sorry for those animals. [laughs] I think it’s just what you do with the tool that makes an impact. It’s how you use that tool. If somebody’s harassing you, if somebody’s calling you ‘queer,’ or they’re being homophobic, or they’re being racist, even, there are ways that you can play with that -- without even invoking violence, if you’re successful – that will destroy, not the person, but the words they’re saying. And that’s the important thing. It’s like playing with the psychology of the clothing you wear, you know? The same type of thing. There’s so many things you can do on that level.

I’ve taken up enough of your time, the next band’s already started…

No, it’s okay, this is great. This is actually the best time for me to talk, is after we’re done, because I’ve get that adrenaline thing, you know?

I’m glad to see you addressing issues between songs. A lot of bands don’t.

Yeah. And especially political ones.

Yeah. Even… I know there are a number of political bands that either have songs and don’t address issues between them, or they write songs that deal with important issues, but in a somewhat clichéd manner.

Honestly, I have a problem with it. I have a real drive towards, especially with politics, I think if you’re going to be a political person, then you have to really think about the issue and understand where the majority of people are coming from. If you’re just playing music with political words to it, then it’s just like waving another flag. That’s all it is. I see that so much with people. Some of these bands that are progressive, or whatever, straightedge, even – they just get up there and they say the same bloody words. The same words, same slogans, same statements… it becomes like the rehashed motto that some high school principal would use to evoke the football team to victory. We don’t need that. What we really need is something that helps us see ourselves. And I see that sometimes with bands. It’s sad, but a lot of it’s from bands that aren’t, like, political political. That aren’t like in-your-face, hardcore-political-stance, whatever. Sometimes you see it from bands that are just, like, ‘we care about the world, but we care also about people really thinking about themselves.’ I think it’d be nicer to see more people who are involved with the political end of the music trying to get rid of the negativity, and aiming toward positive thoughts. I know it might sound dippy to some, but positive energy is what is going to move mountains. Not the feeling that everything is hopeless. When we start thinking everything is hopeless, it becomes hopeless, but if you really have a positive drive, it will show and shine in what you’re trying to do, and make people happy about it. It’s like the idea of the world going down in a flaming wreckage of carnage, or whatever, and it’s happening, and somehow you’re able to crack a smile, and say, ‘well, I tried. I tried the best I could do.’ It’s that idea that’s important to think about, because there’s always something in the world that will make you smile if you think hard enough. Sometimes we let the negative things overburden us, and then we can’t accomplish anything.

Archive: Interview with Brian Zero of Siren (Part One)

2008-07-01T00:46:00.000-07:00

Siren was part of a scene in Santa Rosa that provided a lot of inspiration to me when I was first being introduced to the punk community. Along with a few other bands and zines, they provided a glimpse of what -- at least from afar -- seemed to be a circle of friends striving to build something together. No doubt the reality was more complicated, but it was nonetheless heartwarming to see.

Brian Zero, their singer, was also someone I found pretty inspiring when I was younger, and whose perspective resonated strongly with my own hopes for what kind of community punk rock could provide. He wrote an article for the 'Major Labels' issue of MRR, the first issue I ever read, and later wrote a regular column for a few years. This interview was conducted just after Siren had finished playing at Icky's Teahouse in Eugene, in the summer of 1997. Originally it had been intended for a print zine, but like so many other plans, that never came to fruition. Years after the fact, some of this is a little embarassing to look at, but I still value it as a document of a certain time and place. When looking over it, please keep in mind that Brian had a lot to say, and that no attempt has been made to edit it for either content or readability. I'll try to post the second, slightly shorter half of this conversation within the next week or so.

The first thing I wanted to ask you about was just some basic background things, like how and when you first became involved in the punk community.
Oh, okay… way back in 1984. I became involved in the punk rock community about the same time I became involved in political awareness, actually. To tell you the truth, it’s an interesting question, because for me life certainly led up in that direction anyway, so I can almost say I was always a person who cared about things, even when I was seven years old. It just kind of was a natural progression. It was in 1984, though, that I first started going to shows, and also that I first started becoming active in terms of doing political stuff, whatever you want to call it, trying to make a better world.

So what attracted you to the punk community?
Uh… probably not so much an attraction to the punk community as a feeling of alienation from the non-community that was being presented by standard society. No sense of belonging except for belief in things that were obviously nonsensical. Punk rock was a place that I sought not so much for the music, but that I sought for people that felt really disenfranchised with the status quo. And apart from all the problems that the scene had, and it sure had a lot of them back then – god, it’s got tons now – this was scene that I could find people that I really related to, people who just felt totally outside of everything.

You mentioned political activism. What did you mean by that?
Political activism means, for example, feeling a concern… I think political activism actually stems from becoming aware more and more [of] what’s going on in the world. Around the 1984 time period I started finding out more about what was happening, in terms of things like the way animals are treated, in terms of the nuclear arms race… it just sort of escalates to a point where you feel the responsibility to try to do something, otherwise you will be carrying around a lot of guilt for doing nothing. At an early age, I saw that was the choice that I had, because once you open up that door to knowledge, you can’t close it. Unless you’re just going to destroy yourself with something, unless you just say, ‘okay, I can’t deal with this, I have to get rid of my pain by being a junkie of some kind or another.’ Which means you can be a junkie to everything from drugs to television to Nintendo.

Do you see a connection between the two – punk and activism?
I see a connection in that some of the people… see, unfortunately, I can also say that there are a lot of people who get involved in punk and political activism that are doing for the reason that it gives them something to believe in, and not because they’ve searched themselves. I would say that there’s a connection between feeling alienated in this world, and then trying to seek out why you feel that way, and then trying to do something about it. You know, when you find out that it’s not necessarily you, that it’s actually a society. It’s not just your problem, it’s the whole shebang. In that way, I would say yeah, there’s a connection between punk rock and activism. On a superficial level, obviously there’s something there, because the scene has a long history of bands and whatnot that were doing things on a political level. You know, the anarchy signs on clothing evolved into actual anarchism. What was first a shock value thing had actually turned into a political threat and a political message. Whether everybody who was involved on the political end believed in it or not is another thing entirely. Especially in the 1980s, politics were a very strong part of the punk scene. Maybe now it’s diminished. It’s huge now, the scene… but ninety-five percent of it is, you know, you wonder where it’s coming from. Maybe five percent is kind of on the sense of community, and out of that, maybe there’s a core out there that’s really got an idea of it being a real community type of thing.

Another thing I wanted to ask you about was… you have a relatively high profile in the community – you write a column for MRR, you sing for Siren. I want to know if you think that places an unfair emphasis on your views, as opposed to say [Siren guitarist] Adam’s, or anyone else’s.
Very intelligent question. I can tell you right now that the answer is yes, it does, and I don’t think that anybody who is a columnist for Maximumrocknroll, or anything with a high profile in that community, could intelligently say no. You can’t say no to a question like that unless you’re A)lying or B)[unintelligible] …power pyramid. And whether people in the scene want to admit it or not, there’s definitely that power pyramid there. People have been bred to see a stage, and to see a person on the stage as being somehow wonderfully more powerful than they are. Jello Biafra’s a perfect example. We are a scene full of icons. Even if they’re preaching anarchism or preaching progressiveness, there’s definitely a division there between people. Now the question arises, though, as to what you can do with that. Some people will say ‘Why not just completely destroy the stage entirely? Why not just rip the stage down?’ It’s a wonderful, good idea, but holistically, looking at the society, the stage also encompasses money. It also encompasses private property. It encompasses the cars that we drive. And after a certain point, you have to logically say to yourself, ‘What can I do that’s going to be progressive and not going to drive myself mad?’ So for me, I recognize that there is a division there, there definitely is, and what I can try to do to make that better is to use the tool for a better purpose. That’s what I see when I look at other bands, and I look at what people are doing, I ask myself ‘What are they using this tool for? What are they trying to do with it?’ Sadly, it looks like most of the time, nothing is really being done that anything constructive at all. And I know that I don’t always do it myself, I’m sure that I’m guilty of that, but I would like to think that at the very least I’m trying to balance it out. It’s like being a teacher. Perfect example: I also work in a classroom. And this is the way I look at the punk scene, too – it’s like life is a learning experience, teachers, students, whatever, we all are that. We’re both the teacher and the student. Unfortunately, in this system, when you go into a public school classroom, the way it’s set up is… no matter what anybody wants to say, I mean, I know there are examples of things that are alternative schools and whatnot, but for the most part, in the public school system, like, a high school for example is run like a fascist state. It’s very much power pyramid-oriented, you have all these irrational control devices like pep rallies, like school colors, the principal is a manifest of power, and teachers have more power than the students do. Me as a teacher, I certainly do. My profile is exceedingly high where I work. I’m the ‘cool guy’ sub, you know? I’m the substitute teacher that is just like… it’s like a positive thing. And I guess that’s what I’m trying to strive for, is rather than a negative, maybe in that system I can try to be a positive. It would be nice if I could totally say ‘fuck the system’ and run away, but every time I’ve seen people try to do that, it just never works. The system is all-encompassing. We’ve got to come up with a way of working… of changing things, trying to do things without driving ourselves wacko. Even collectives, even communes, I think a lot of these things are doomed to failure because of the fact that the system will not let it get away. It will never let you get away. It won’t let you go do your commune thing. The system has bred itself into people. The only thing that you can do is to try to be both a teacher and a student. Again, though, in the classroom you have more power than the students do, and you have to try to do something that’s effective in that scenario. For example, if you’re a resistance fighter and the Nazis have power, what you have to do is you have to be logical. If the Nazis are at power in Nazi Germany, the best thing is not to go out with a sign that says ‘Fuck Nazis,’ because somebody will scoop you up off the street and get rid of you. The best thing to do is actually to try to find... if you’re going to sacrifice yourself, then do it in the way that’s going to make the most impact, that’s going to make the most effect. And that’s not to diminish activism. I’m trying to say that you have to be intelligent with it. You have be constructive, and creative, and think strategically. Otherwise, you’re just going to end up wasted. That’s what happens to people. The resistance fighters in France were not out there on the streets yelling anti-Nazi things, they were in secret places, hiding people and never showing themselves. They were a secret organization. That doesn’t necessarily mean you have to be deceptive to be progressive, it just means that you have to be aware of what’s going on, and aware of the fact that if you’re not careful with what you do, then you’re going to end up messed up.

With your teaching position… I was wondering how you try to incorporate your ideals into that.
Well, the best thing I can say, and this might sound trite, is I try to make the students… the best thing that I can do, because I’m just a substitute teacher, is to put myself as a piece of an idea of community. That I’m somebody that can be talked to. I mean, I can’t always do that for everyone. But I’ve had chances where, or times where students have come up to me, and they’ve confided in me, and talked to me. And that’s understandable, because, let’s face it, the idea of family and community has been utterly obliterated. We’ve got computers, we’ve got televisions, we’ve got cars. We don’t have any sense of ‘who is this person who lives next door to me?’ I don’t know this person at all, and I’m going to be afraid of them. And you see sometimes in the classroom, with these students, these kids, they’re longing for a sense of something. Even sometimes, just by being there for people, you can make a difference. I have to be honest – in the classroom, a lot, I have to play cop. There’s a reason for that. You have to play cop because if I were not a disciplinarian to a certain extent, those people who were bred into a system of control would simply step over you. I’ve worked with emotionally disturbed kids, and it’s so fucked up, it’s so screwed up, but they don’t look positively upon feminine roles. They don’t look positively upon people who can hold them and cry with them. A lot of the time, they look at these male, macho figures as being, you know, father coming down to the dinner table to set order straight. With that kind of psychology set, especially in a class where you have thirty students… I’m moving from emotionally disturbed to students again, and I’m not saying all students are emotionally disturbed in any way, shape, or form, but that kind of idea is really prevalent anyway in the system at large. When you have thirty students in a classroom that have some semblance of that -- a lot of them do – you have to be kind of careful. I would not have lasted a week within the school system if I were not a little bit willing to compromise on the issue of control. I would have had students walking out of classes, standing outside of classrooms smoking cigarettes. And this is a typical, middle-class high school, you know, a high school in a middle-class area. The students would have done this, they would have done things like that, and the administration would have seen it, and they would’ve said, ‘get this wacko out of here.’ Gone. Hasta la vista. And that would’ve been the end of that one. So that’s why you have to be very careful with those things. And sometimes you get a chance to talk with them, you know… like, after school, especially, when I’m out of the school grounds, and I see a student walking around, and they talk to me about my beliefs: totally different thing. I can sit down and say, ‘well, you know, I don’t feel this way. I don’t really care for all of the computers that you guys have in your schools. I don’t really dig on that.’ But also, in my position, I’m able to talk to so many students with different backgrounds. I’m able to talk to students who are sixteen-, fifteen-years old, who’ve come from extremely right-wing backgrounds, who are slightly short of joining up with the Klan. Perhaps, just by being there for them, when they understand some point in my opinions, it’ll have a positive influence on them. I mean, for a job in this society, I certainly can’t complain. I’d rather be doing this than be a manager at K-Mart. Certainly.

I’m going to change the subject. I’m not sure if you want to get into this, but I heard that there was some sort of dispute between Siren and Lookout Records.
Okay, I can talk about that. We were basically… I don’t know if it’s really much of a dispute. They offered us a chance to do a full-length record about two years ago, and we did not want that. We did not want any material of ours to go through Caroline. Especially given that I’d written an article for Maximum about Caroline being a subsidiary of EMI. It’s important to stress EMI, because a lot of people who work with Caroline will say, ‘it’s owned by Virgin,’ but Virgin is owned by EMI, so Carline is owned by EMI. We did not feel that, given the fact that I wrote this article, or even given the fact that it’s with EMI, and EMI used to make components for cruise missiles… we did not feel comfortable with our material going through an EMI distributor, because it’s contradictory to what we’re about, it’s contradictory to the fact that we should be an independent scene and not affiliated with some behemoth of a huge corporation. No matter how nice the people at Caroline are – whatever, I don’t care about that. They might be the most wonderful people in the world. Anyway… we were offered the chance to do something with Lookout, we said ‘no Caroline,’ they said, ‘no deal.’ That’s the end of statement. It’s unfortunate that that’s the case, especially considering that other, shadier labels I feel have made that exception for bands. And if them, why not another?

So… one of you runs Mustardfield, right?
No, that was Kevin, and Kevin is no longer with us.

Then I was wondering how the record came to come out on Day After.
Well, that’s a story in and of itself. We, the guitarist and myself, went to… we had a very, very hard year. The Lookout deal, all that stuff was kind of the culmination of things that were really quite messed up for us. Then something happened with our old drummer, and … he had a problem with drugs. He was doing drugs on the side, and I was living with him at the time, and everything in his life fell apart. He quit the band, and I think the guitarist and myself were really going through a lot. We scraped some money together, and got cheap airfare to Europe, and took off. While we were over there, we ended up hooking up with this guy in the Czech Republic, and he’s a cool human being. We respected his ideals, we respected him, and thought, shit, he loved the tape, and we just went with that. It’s crazy, because at the time we had no band. We just had to come back and get things rolling again.

I did want to know… you seem a little cynical about the punk community lately…
I am a bit.

Is there anything that you’ve been finding really inspiring?
Um… in the punk community or outside of that community?

Anywhere.
Give me a chance to think about that for a second here. That’s a hard one, because I am a little bit cynical on the subject, because it’s hard sometimes to find the positive… you might want to stop it for a second while I think on this one. [tape stops] Actually, the positives for me are spin-offs of the negatives. It’s kind of like the whole dialectic thing, because I was really disenfranchised, especially in the punk scene, with seeing all this superficial interest in the music alone from major labels and from… whatever. For a very long time, I was like, ‘this is such crap,’ I was pissed off at it, and… but after a while, you start realizing that, to a certain degree, it can be a positive thing. Because let’s face it: the first punk-ish thing that I went to was a Billy Idol concert, and I went to that concert, and I said to myself, ‘it’s got to be more than this shit.’ You know that for every NOFX show with fifteen thousand kids at it, with merchandise being priced out of the reaches of the poor or whatever, there’s got to be a couple people in that audience who’ve never been even touched by punk rock, who are going to see that and say, ‘well, the music sounded rebellious, but it’s not really. But there’s got to be more to it than this.’ And perhaps those people will find something. That seems like that’s the case, because it seems like a people move from one thing to the next. We’re kind of getting a… I hate to use the term, but I guess it’s… we’re getting a trickle-down, to a certain degree, of people. They go to those shows, and then they come to find something better. And there seems to be more of them. It’s also… it seems to me that there’s a lot of people out there in circles that are outside punk rock, too, that are really hungry for a community, and I’ve seen this from a lot of different tangents. A lot of the kids in the schools, I mean, that’s something to find positive. I think it’d be wonderful to see more people who are progressive being in the classrooms, because they can make a lot of impact there. Because there are kids, like, fucking out there, who are just, like… I don’t know what it is, but up until the point when people are like… there’s a certain age or something when people just get so cynical, and they just burn out, but a lot of the kids in the school system are just… they’re ready. They’re like, ‘Where do we go? Where are we going to go?’ And maybe the fact that that question is even being asked by people is a positive thing. Because back in the Eighties, when I was in high school, everybody was… god, they had an agenda. It’s certainly wasn’t one that I liked. But it seems like now that agenda has crumbled for a lot of people. It’s like this technology is advancing so quickly, and all these things are happening, and people have no control over it, so that you even get people from the right-wing perspective who have been bred with these beliefs in this, whatever, apple pie thing. They’re lost, too. They’re like, ‘where do we go?’ Maybe that question, in and of itself, will lead to something. That’s a very positive thing. That’s the best thing I can think of, that people are asking that. Because once people start asking anything, man, they only can find knowledge And once that knowledge is found, then, at the very least, we can all share the responsibility of making this a better world. Otherwise, it’s only up to a few of us, and I’ll tell you, that weight’s too much to carry.

Rebirth: Summer 2008

2008-07-01T00:45:00.000-07:00

This project has now passed through several permutations since its inception -- hopefully this will be the last. Much of what has been posted here thus far will be removed over the next few days, though a few items of archival value will be preserved. From now on, I hope to focus with a bit more regularity on the things that best hold my attention these days: speculative and fantastic literature, other worlds, punk and folk music, games, and all-too-rare moments when those interests intersect.